Jimmie Johnson's Car Put Out To Stud

07:00AM ET | CHARLOTTE, NC

Hendrick Motorsports confirmed what many NASCAR fans had suspected all season, announcing Wednesday that Jimmie Johnson's number 48 Chevrolet Impala would be... more

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In Brief

Teenage Katrina Survivor Wins Yet Another Essay Contest 11:00AM ET
Crocodile Bites Off Bush's Arm 07:30AM ET
History Doomed To Repeat Itself, Reports Man Who Just Dropped Food On Pants 10:00AM ET
Co-Op Casino Robbed Again 10:38AM ET
Supreme Court Upholds Bill Of Rights In 5-4 Decision 10:00AM ET

Opinion

I'm Not One Of Those 'Love Thy Neighbor' Christians

By Janet Cosgrove
Christian
If Only Someone Had Written A Song Describing The Bittersweet, Cyclical Nature Of The Father-Son Relationship

By Emanuel Bray

Statshot

Top Thanksgiving Turkey Substitutes

Infographic

Holiday Blockbuster Season Approaches

explore

Our Dumb World Online

China

A Human Assembly Line

Oct 19, 2007

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American Voices

Dems Leave Lieberman Unpunished

"Much like a fine yogurt, legislative bodies do better when you add some of the old, crusty culture that stuck to the last jar."
Mark Cuban Sued For Insider Trading
Missing Beatles Track Confirmed

Special Focus: Business

Holocaust Museum Cashier Has Yet Another Depressing Day

February 13, 2002 | Issue 38•05

Onion Radio News

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Horoscope

Virgo August 23 - September 22

There's a fine line between comedy and tragedy. A fine line you will soon trip over, before rolling down the stairs and smashing your skull open on the concrete floor.

News In Photos:

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Features

TV Listings

Cory In The House

Disney

5 p.m. EST/4 p.m. CST

Eleven-year-olds will never know that what they consider a cool Disney Channel show is just ripping off old I Love Lucy plots

11.20.2008
From the Print Edition

Carmello Anthony Throws Down Air Dunk

11.20.2008
Corrections

We would like to amend last Thursday's headline "Local Grocery Store Site Of Triple Murder" to read "Man Slays 3 In Grocery-Store Rampage," which is punchier. The Onion regrets the error.

11.19.2008
Stockwatch

Angry investors dropped the stock en masse after visiting 12 Best Buys without being able to find the right printer cartridge.

11.18.2008
From the Print Edition

Bags Under Tommy Lee Jones' Eyes Causing Him Neck Problems

11.18.2008
Editorial Cartoon

Editorial Cartoon
November 17, 2008

11.17.2008
National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news
- CARSON CITY, NV—Staring up into the starry sky failed to have any awe-inspiring effect on 32-year-old Andrew Crucet, instead convincing him that he is just as good as any stupid star.
- BETHESDA, MD—Annie Jordan, 39, just found a real steal at TJ Maxx.
- PHILADELPHIA—Ed Callahan gave Melanie Russell a bunch of daffodils, having heard somewhere that they symbolize measured affection.
11.17.2008
TV Listings

According To Jim

ABC

8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST

This show about a regular family man who is holding the president of ABC's son hostage returns for an eighth season.

11.16.2008
Letters to the Editor

Dear The Onion,

I've noticed that you only print complimentary letters to the editor. Keep up the good work!

—C. McKenna, Huntington Beach, CA

11.15.2008
Unsung Heroes

Your hungover roommate Johnny claimed the entire living room by lying down half naked on the couch while watching countless hours of American Dad DVDs, forcing you to go outside and enjoy the day.

11.15.2008
TV Listings

Built For Speed

SPEED

7 p.m. EST/6 p.m. CST

Host A.J. Sling demonstrates how dang fast it looks when you hang a camera out the side of your Monte Carlo.

11.14.2008
Sunday Magazine

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11.14.2008
TV Listings

K9 Cops

Animal Planet

10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST

Tonight: Having used excessive force to take down a drug runner, 6-year-old German shepherd Bosco adjusts to his demotion to a desk job.

11.13.2008
From the Print Edition

Defensive Back Still Down On Ground After Missed Interception

11.13.2008
Letters to the Editor

Dear The Onion,

Should I cut the red wire or the blue one? If you could get back to me in the next 18 seconds, that would be great.

—Steve Snow, Cumberland, MD

11.12.2008
From the Print Edition

Offbeat Squirrel In Park Garnering Cult Following

11.12.2008
Stockwatch

Stock prices soared this week when the artificial limb producer announced plans to open a Caucasian legs division.

11.11.2008
From the Print Edition

Hot Girl’s Number Lingered On

11.11.2008